I've read so many books lately, it's a bit scary. Good for the soul though. I tied about fourteen pairs of shoes today. I smiled, read, and ate my peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich. I also told the kids about how to say you're sorry and how it must feel for the other people who you hurt, so that is why we apologize. The whole lesson came about because some girls threw their pattern cubes at another persons head. I asked the girls to go to their seats and write an apology. One of the little girls was like " I don't know how to write an apology". So I thought I'd take the time to explain it. Then, my favorite little boy in the class told me that sometimes he does things he doesn't mean to do and apologizes to his sisters for it, but that they don't believe him. He said it hurt his feelings. We then went into forgiveness. What I've realized lately is that it is not the intention behind the action that counts, but how it affects the other person. You could have the greatest intentions in the world, but if it hurts someone, the fact remains, they are wounded by your actions. We often try to justify our motives, but I think we should show more empathy. If I had a block thrown at my head, I would be pretty upset. Even if the intention was not to hit me. It's always about the other person.

P.S. This Friday I'm getting together with some friends, if you're interested give me a ring a ding ding. 816-582-2864

Thursday I get to meet up with two of my favorite people. I haven't seen them in forever and it will be nice to see how the young couple is doing.

~God of mercy, this young girl's heart will learn to harden~

My life will never be the same. I'm not the same girl I was six months ago, some for the better, some for the worse. I fear people, their thoughts, their motives. I lost friends, I found out that my husband was internally devastated with me on accident. Just by reading his emails while trying to pick a new netflix. BAM! Life hits you and that was it. I had to grow up. Doesn't mean it happened immediately, but I did. The difficult part about this is that I thought I had it right. I really believed everything he ever said. So now, to try to believe, genuinely believe people, even myself, I have to run through every scenario of how this person could be hiding their disappointment. It's like having two shadows. One of yourself, your real self, and the one whose been sliced right through the heart, and you have to carry that other shadow around. No matter how badly you want to be rid of it. I still kick myself for not going to church with him every Sunday morning. But I needed alone time with God. I needed introvert Adrienne time. Especially if I was left feeling bruised by my own hands.

Today was a big step in the divorce process. It's been so long, but I was terrified to be in the same room with him. Not like he was going to hurt me, but that I'd see the reflection of what he now sees. The most difficult part is to allow yourself to not look at yourself the way the enemy sees you or wants you to be seen. I wrestle with feeling like a crazy ex-wife. I rummage through the memories and try to put the pieces together. I failed, and I wasn't given the chance to succeed. Until now. Now everything is different. I'm poor as heck, I lean on my parents for everything, and my best friends are my cats and my divorce group. I no longer love Jacob. I love who he was, or who I thought he was, but I no longer have any desire to see or hear from him. But like stated before he brought about a new shadow, one that lingers.

I'm happier now than I've been in a long time. I enjoy most every day, and the ones I don't, I accept and give them to God. I'm busy, and mostly tired by all of the effort it takes to make any money, if I had landed a teaching position this year it would be different. But I was just trying to survive. My lovely house on Granada is being sold and I hope a happy couple with a little boy moves in. Maybe a dog. We had a dog run, and plenty of space for a kiddo. I miss the dream. Not the reality.

So now? Now to dream new dreams, walk dogs and cuddle with rufio and spoon. It's time to let go of the fact that so many of those people who I thought would have wanted to pick me up off the floor, instead turned away, Emily Kate Nick Keith they were mine too. And I'll always love Mitch. I hope one day I'll get to see him when we're older, I still treasure him.

I haven't written in so long because there has been so much to tell. My life is full of hope and love. God can make any horrible thing a beautiful piece of time where he drew you so close you could feel the pressure of his sadness and love ontop of yours.

~Can't stop writing about your feelings~

My stomach is in knots..... I hate that.

~you talk of hating war, but where's your own peace time?~